Life Keeps Happening

The grieving process was in full swing. There were legal issues to deal with and other rather unpleasant things as well. It was a time of precariousness and great worry about how to help the kids through the darkness. My son graduated from high school without his father there to congratulate him. My daughter considered dropping out of high school. I had my hands full convincing her to keep trying.

I had an obsession with trying to fix up the house, redecorate, paint, etc. I think this helped to keep me from going crazy and let me fell that I had some control over something.

Time started to go by and some of my friends and family dropped out of my life. I have always been a caretaker of others and now found myself losing my energy and realized I no longer wanted to pull the weight for everyone around me. Some of the people in my life were put out by this and disappeared when they realized they would have to take care of their own issues.

My daughter eventually graduated from high school as well. Bothof the kids are now attending college and have come through this ordeal very well much to my great relief.

It is now almost five years since the horrible day my husband died and I find myself still grieving and unhappy although there are happy times now as well. My life has changed forever and is now is harder and quite stressful. In my next blog I will begin the process of showing how to keep going no mattere what and how I have kept moving ahead against set backs and trials and tribulations.

We came home to Colorado but the nightmare would not stop. We had to organize a memorial service here for our friends and Bob's co-workers. This is where my dear friends Denise and Jean shine. Between them they took on all these details as well as figuring out all our financial things and beginning the process of dealing with the gathering of life insurance etc. My brother Craig came out to Colorado as well and gave us all much invaluable advice.

The memorial service was emotionally difficult but it was affirming to see how many friends came to say good bye to Bob and give their support to us. The priests from our parish were there for the kids and myself even though the service was definitely not Catholic. They were a very comforting presence for me. All Bob's kids were there -Sara, Zurii, Jay, Justin, and Jamie.

Jay decided to stay and moved in to help me with things around the house. Even if things did not end that great with Jay, I still believe he really wanted to help us deal with everything.

Bob's co-workers were wonderful and helped us so much contributing to a fund for the kids educations which was eventually put to good use as they are both going to college now.

Jean did the service and was wonderful. She would not leave me alone for many days and I don't know how I would have survived without her. I am crying even now as I think back to the pain and sorrow of that time.

The next while is pretty much a blur. I remember riding to Vermont with 2 of my step kids and throwing my arms around my kids when I got to the motel in Vermont. There was crying and more crying. Mourning is an overwhelming and all consuming process. We had to wait for Bob's body to come back from an autopsy in Burlington and then we went to see it at the mortuary. I think it took seeing him to really believe he was gone. That was pretty much the most heart crushing moment of my life and believe me I have had some tough moments in my day.

The pain my children and step children were in was just as hard to bare. My heart was ripped apart knowing I couldn't fix everyhting for them. My brother flew in and came to be there for me. I will always be grateful to him for coming there for us. I am not sure I could otherwise have dealt with all that we had to go through. There was so much to do. Calls had to be made to Bob's work places back home and friends to tell the devastating news. Then there was Bob's family to deal with. His two sister's(one of which I can't stand) and his brother. They wanted to have a funeral in Vermont with a viewing and everything. I wanted to cremate him and bring him back to Colorado for a service. I let them do a service minus the viewing as I had Bob cremated by then and let myself be talked into leaving part of his ashes in Vermont where they put them in the ground with his parents and their dog Murphy. This all came back to haunt me as his sister then wanted me to pay for all the expenses for their funeral which I would not do. I wish I had kept all his ashes together now and regret that part of him is with his parent's dog. It just doesn't seem right somehow. Needless to say, I was extremely vulnerable at the time and was just trying to keep things as pleasant as possible under the circumstances.
My advice to anyone is to think these thins through and discuss them with your spouse so you both know what the other wants in the event of an untimely death. It is a given that one family member or another will cause problems both unexpected and unwarranted.
Next, it was time to deal with Tom Spencer to try to understand how all this could have happened. I give my respect and admiration to his wife as she came to Bob's funeral and talked to me and the kids afterward. That had to be one of the hardest things she has ever done. I thank her for that. We went to see Tom at his house where he cried and kept saying he was sorry. it is funny that we have never heard one thing from him since. We all feel hurt and confused that Tom could profess that Bob was his best friend and how sorry he was that this all happened yet not even try once to check on the kids or try to help in some small way. We heard he was upset he had to pay for a lawyer and to get his totaled car out of impound.
Needless to say we got out of Vermont as quickly as possible and I personally do not care to go back there ever.

It has taken forever but I am finally posting another blog. I am losing it and I have to get my trials and tribulations out of my system so I can move ahead and so maybe others will know they are not alone. Believe me you are not alone as there are always many others going through the same changes and challenges that you are. I know this is true but sometimes this knowledge doesn't give me much comfort. The last few years have been one tribulation after another for me. My whole life as I knew it was pulled out from under me early in the morning of August 18, 2005. I was awakened in the very early morning by the ringing of the telephone to hear my then sixteen year old daughter's hysterical voice telling me that my husband (her father) was dead. My husband and two children had gone on a vacation out east to visit my husband Bob's relatives and friends. My husband had been killed as a passenger in the car owned by his best friend after a rare night of drinking. His friend Tom drove them both off the road and into a tree. Bob was killed instantly and Tom walked away from the accident with a few stitches. In just a second everything you know and love can be ripped from you forever. Needless to say a combination of shock, disbelief, and panic set in. All I knew was that I had to get to my kids as quickly as possible. After my neighbors and good friends Les and Phyllis gave me some money to travel with, I got a ride to the airport and found someone to take care of my pets. Before I knew it I found myself on a plane to Boston. That was the most unpleasant plane ride I have ever endured with a myriad of emotions rushing over and through me. I need a break because this is still very emotional for me to talk about so I will continue with more of my tale of woe tomorrow.